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Richards Personal Logs to Logan

Posted on Friday September 22, 2017 @ 2:27pm by Ensign Orlando Richards

Orlando ran the tips of his fingers through through his wavy blond hair and gave it a shake before letting it fall haphazardly back to his shoulders. Clearing his throat he rubbed his chin and looked anywhere but the camera pointing at his face from the computer terminal. Jackson had been on his mind nonstop since he had woken early this morning....or was it night? Time was often irrelevant in space whether it was a ship or a station.  Non blinking stars against the dark and stark airless backdrop of the vast expanse with no sun or moon rising to distinguish morning from night sometimes not only confused his internal clock but left him feeling lonely and longing for earth crunching beneath his feet. Moving his hands and resting them on top of each other on the desk, Orlando looked directly into the camera thinking one thought.  Jackson. There had always been Orlando and Jackson, mirror images of each other, separated only by the miracle of a splitting cell. Like one star burnt out in the heavens, falling to the earth splitting into two, so they had come into the universe as one, then two. One truth that it would always be so, was now false. All that remained was Orlando, alone without his torn apart. For five years he had wondered his path alone, aimlessly, the spark that was once his light burned out much too soon. The surviving twin had never been one for making personal logs. Jackson had sometimes made three or four a day. For now which Orlando and his family were grateful. Sometimes watching his brother, sharing a laugh, reminiscing about some prank the two had pulled, Orlando could almost feel Jackson, could almost reach out and embrace him again. Other times it felt like he was standing at his brother's empty grave standing with a ghost, a shell, of what and who Jackson had been. Curse or blessing. 

Orlando's thoughts turned to Logan. He would be five soon. Orlando a father. Sometimes it was hard to believe that was true, like it didn't completly sink in the reality of what he had created.  One look at the little blond hair, blue eyed boy and there was no doubt Orlando was a father. Logan looked like a small replica of Orlando and Jackson. A father. Terrifying and exciting all at the same time. Was he a good father? That question was asked everyday of himself. Intentions were there, but did his actions measure up? Being a parent was the hardest and easiest thing he had ever done in his whole life and the only thing that truly mattered. And he failed and he succeeded and then failed again followed by some measure of success. At least in his own eyes. But there were those moments when he would be building a sandcastle with Logan and he would see in that little boy's eyes with all the love and approval that he would ever need and ever seek to need. Glancing up he would see his own father's eyes beaming down, smiling behind a face that was not too much unlike his own with equal love and and approval that only a father could give a son. Orlando knew how to be a good father because he had the best teacher and he trusted the path that had been laid before him. Still, it was not an easy path. 

Being a Starfleet officer was a dangerous job and duty. Jackson's death while aboard the USS Tesla had woken Orlando from his fantasy that he was travelling the universe looking for one adventure after the next. If his number was punched, he wanted to leave behind his own journals so that Logan could come to know the man who was his father. Trouble was, he never knew what to say that didn't sound artificial. Still starring at his own image, he began to speak slowly. 

"Alright. So I am on my way to my next tour of duty, the Kepler Station. Uh, this is my fourth assignment. Second outpost/station kinda thing. Served on two ships briefly before that...well they have all been kinda brief since I have not been out of the Academy too long. I am kinda looking forward to a new start. Daria and I both need some time and literal space apart. I wouldn't say it was a bad breakup. But then, I guess, a good thing can only end badly. Um, but we have agreed that the most important thing is how we continue to parent together. So Logan will be coming for a visit once I get settled. I think my sister will be bringing him out. Great powers that be, please don't let in be my mother. Wait...computer delete the part about my mother." Orlando said leaning back hard against the chair. He loved his mother, but things had been strained between them since Jackson's death. Maybe he imagined that seeing him reminded her too much of the son she had lost. Try having the same face and seeing Jackson in every reflection, he thought. Pursing his lips, he blew out a breath and turned back to the camera.

"It is so hard being away from my family, particularly Logan. I feel guilty. Really guilty about leaving him. He is growing and changing so fast and I feel like I am missing everything. We already lost so much time together....." Orlando's voice trailed off. Did he really want to get into confessions right now? Those secrets needed to be said in his own voice. Logan deserved the truth and he deserved to hear it straight from the man who had betrayed him and his mother. The boy had been young and wouldn't remember. Still, secrets had a way of coming undone and destroying happiness. Not today. Orlando did not have the strength to make another confessional video. "So, loneliness its kinda a thing that can get you into trouble. Make the wrong choices. Well. sometimes it turns out alright. That was how I meet Daria and how Logan came to be, so that was good. Anyway, last night I was sitting at this bar and this really attractive woman sits down. Not that unusual. I am a pretty good looking guy. So no worries about that son. You look just like me. Girls will like you. Or boys. Whatever you like I am fine with that. The woman. Yeah, we are having a few drinks, good conversation and then you get to that point when there is nothing left to be said. Then there is that exchange of looks, do you wanna go some place for private. Any day before I meet your mother, I would have not hesitated. But I had this weird feeling in the pit of my stomach, that just, I don't know, didn't feel like something I want to do. Didn't feel right. I still love your mom and I think a part of me always will and that's because of you Logan. You are this tie that binds us together. And we wanted to stay together for you. Your mom wanted to do that, but I think I just hurt her to much. I think it is important you know that we both love you very much and this wasn't her fault it was mine. She will try and take half the blame because she is amazing, but it is my fault. Another day I will explain it all to you. I promise." 

=/\= Computer end recording. Mark for Logan Richards after his 16th birthday =/\= 

Ensign Orlando Richards, secu

 

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